Is Threesomes a Precursor to Open Relationships?
Is Threesomes a Precursor to Open Relationships?
I let my boyfriend sleep with another woman
five years into our relationship.
It wasn’t that monogamy wasn’t working. We
were a committed, happy couple who liked each other's company, laughed at
stupid things, and had anal sex. But we were 27 and itching to do
something insane, anything to make the march to 30 feel less like a death
march. A threesome felt like a nice place to start: thrilling enough to push
our sexual boundaries, yet harmless enough in the long run if things went
tragically wrong.
We weren't the sort to approach ladies in
bars, and the idea of asking one of our buddies seemed too strange. Later that
summer, at a friend's party, we met a young art student. She was the
free-spirited sort, the type that wrote poetry and spoke openly about spirit
animals. She had light-brown hair and a welcoming grin. She stroked my arm and
asked if I'd be prepared to proofread her art competition application. I pushed
my partner into a wall. "This is the end!" I excitedly whispered. We
spent most of the night conversing with her, and at the conclusion, we asked
for her phone number, vowing to continue our interesting discussion about the
pros and disadvantages of palmistry over a drink the following week. As we said
our goodbyes, she leaned in and kissed me on the lips – a brief, chaste kiss,
similar to one between two close girlfriends. But it did, I thought, reveal
some unspoken longing.
We followed through on our promise and
invited her out for cocktails the following Friday night. I'd spent the
majority of the day huddled up in a ball on the couch, refusing food and water.
Darryn had done everything he could to calm my nerves. "You do realize you
don't have to have sex with her if you don't want to, don't you?" I wanted
to have sex with her, but I was also somewhat terrified. What would I say or do
in that situation? I was heavily reliant on drinks to guide me. We met her in a
posh bar by the ocean and worked our way through the beverage menu until
someone — most likely me — suggested we go dancing. We hopped in a cab, arrived
at the club, and within 20 minutes, I was kissing her on the dance floor. I
left to have another drink, and when I returned, she was having sex with
Darryn. "Do you want to come back to our place?" I yelled in her ear
after 20 minutes. She laughed and said she'd always wanted to sleep with a
couple. "Well, now's your chance!" I said, swaying slightly.
We passed out at dawn after spending the next
four hours in a frantic tangle of sweaty limbs and crumpled bed linens. Darryn
served scrambled eggs for us and we sat cross-legged on our balcony, excitedly
discussing the night before. I admitted to myself, and later to Darryn, that
the sight of him going down on another lady was sexy to me. I'd had little
cause to reject the common opinion on monogamy - that it was the only way to
have a happy, healthy relationship. Suddenly, that viewpoint appeared to be
hopelessly incorrect. What did it mean when I said I liked seeing my spouse
have sex with another woman? Why wasn't I envious or insecure?
For the following few months, that was all we
could talk about. We took pleasure in our own immodesty at every chance — over
coffee, at the bus stop, and at dinner. We felt as if we'd been let in on a
tremendous secret, and we were laughing at the ordinary mortals who hadn't
experienced its exhilarating power.
The goal had been to continue seeing our art
student acquaintance, but she found herself a guy a few weeks later. Finding
someone equally free-spirited would be difficult. I joked one night about
hiring a high-end escort. We laughed about it for a few weeks before giving it
serious thought. The more we thought about it, the more enticing it seemed,
both practically and in terms of giving us a pretty good story. We spent a week
looking online for a reputable escort agency — the price per hour was a good
indicator — and eventually landed on Karen, a leggy brunette. There was no
online booking form; you had to phone and leave your name, credit card
information, and hotel information. Making the decision felt terribly immature
to me. I couldn't even sit down because I was too frightened, and I had to bite
my arm numerous times to keep from giggling. We reserved a posh hotel in town
and met Karen in the foyer the next night. We drove her up to our room, me
giggling the whole time because I'd defied Darryn's advice and drunk half a bottle
of red wine to ease my anxiety. She politely broke the ice with a story about a
recent animal-rights march she'd attended, and after admitting she didn't care
for Jonathan Safran Foer's current collection of essays, she asked if she could
blow up my partner. In her honor, I raised my glass. She was gone in two and a
half hours, with half our monthly wage.
I had to leave town for employment a few
weeks later. Darryn called me one night and said the art student wanted to hang
out. "We'll wait until you go home," he explained. I considered it.
"What if you and she hung out – alone?" I proposed. Darryn was taken
aback by this. I explained that I was interested in seeing what would happen. I
definitely enjoyed watching Darryn with the other women, but how would things
feel without me in the room? So far, we'd been extremely mature about the
situation. I was willing to take some chances.
The art student, it turned out, still had a
boyfriend, so she wasn't looking for anything more than a casual drink. The fact
that this news disappointed me was a revelation in and of itself. Darryn and I
decided to try out an open relationship when I arrived home. How many people
are embarrassed even to consider the possibility of sleeping around? We were
ecstatic about the idea. The only "rules" we established were that we
would not actively pursue someone to sleep with and that we would tell each
other everything.
A few months later, an out-of-town old friend
paid me a visit. I'd always had a thing for him — Darryn knew and tormented me
incessantly about it — and since he was single at the time, I figured why not?
I quietly informed them of my new circumstances, and a few evenings later, we
made plans to go out to supper. I ran about the apartment like a frightened
15-year-old, trying on outfits and seeking advice from Darryn. "There
should be nothing that shouts, 'Fuck me now,'" he cautioned. He'd planned
to go out with several buddies that night to avoid being alone. I finally chose
a light-blue outfit that was more girly than daring and kissed Darryn goodbye,
laughing at the absurdity of the scenario.
Even though I'd known this person for years,
I felt suddenly self-conscious during dinner. Normally, I'd be bold and
flirtatious, but now that sex was a given, I had no idea how to act. We
discussed movies, novels, art, gun control, and everything except the idea that
we were going to have sex later. We didn't even kiss till we'd had a few
drinks. We finally got in a cab and made our way back to his apartment. I felt
odd taking off my clothes because no one had seen me naked in five years,
excluding the art student and the sex worker. Also, even though I knew I wasn't
cheating, a small part of me couldn't shake the feeling that what I was doing
was still wrong. But once things started moving, I began to relax and
appreciate the sensation of another body next to mine. (I recently inquired
about his thoughts on that night.) He claimed our chemistry and the degree of
comfort we'd previously created through our friendship served us well, and he
trusted me not to make any bad judgments.)
The next day, I got up early and went home. I
was pleased with myself for going through with it, but I was also scared. I
needed to speak with Darryn. The rest of the day was spent holed up at a diner
across the street from our apartment. He didn't want to hear too many details;
he seemed content with the notion that I'd had a good time. We resolved to
continue as long as we were careful to promptly disclose any emotions of
uncertainty or insecurity. We finished our milkshakes and returned home.
We both signed up for Tinder a few weeks
later. We were upfront about our open relationship in our profiles, and a few
weeks later, I was assisting Darryn in getting ready for his first date. (I
opted for jeans and a T-shirt over his blazer and tie.) He wore the blazer
anyhow, and his date, according to him, complimented him on his
"style." Whatever dude.) I forced him to text me every few hours. I
attempted to divert myself as best I could after he went, but I couldn't sit
still. I kept looking at my phone. Finally, he texted to say everything was
well. He texted again an hour later, saying they were returning to her house. I
became terrified. "USE A CONDOM," I replied.
I wanted to know everything when he got home
the next morning: what she was like, what she said, and how she acted. They did
what they did. Knowing everything made me feel calm as if I were in the same
room as them. I needed data, not conjecture. But I wasn't jealous; I was more
interested and, to be honest, a little turned on. We started going on different
dates a couple of times a week. I had terrible luck: I rarely went on a second
date with a guy, and I nearly never liked someone enough to want to sleep with
them. (Are these guys on Tinder?) Darryn, on the other hand, was meeting
attractive, interesting ladies every week. While not all of his
encounters resulted in sex, the intimate insights into other people's lives
made the experience worthwhile. Darryn's experiment piqued the interest of
nearly every lady she encountered. Some people even asked to meet with me.
Because I wasn't getting much action anyhow, we ended up complementing our
individual adventures with a steady stream of threesomes. We've also
established a few close friends this way — just last week, we hung together
with a Tinder acquaintance with whom we've both slept on separate occasions.
Darryn had left his belt at her house and remembered to bring it with her. It
was a weird experience.
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